I stared at my reflection. At 33, I was an old maiden. I was just there-neither pretty nor ugly, neither tall nor short, neither fat nor thin, neither atheist nor believer. The only non average things were my love life and career. The former was non-existent. The latter, well, very superb. I was a pretty good lawyer. I would probably not have gone this far if I had gotten married. That day marked two important events for me. My child would have been thirteen years old if it was not a still-born and, I was going to be the chief bridesmaid for my best friend who used to be an old maiden like me. I was happy for her.
I almost fainted when I found out who the Best Man was. Apparently, he and the groom went way back. It was hard to avoid him. I was at my wit’s end especially since I couldn’t disappear without a plausible explanation. My BFF had seen him and had alerted me BBM. Imagine her, chatting away on her wedding day. Later, the Best Man was by my side. I hadn’t drunk much. You know, I had my “reps” to protect. He was very polite and charming and sweet. He always knew the right sort of things to say and I was smitten. We laughed and talked about everything, yet, nothing. He didn’t ask about his baby and I didn’t say anything about it. We didn’t talk about that year and what happened after I left. He was doing very good career wise. I heard the rumours. He was going to be a partner soon. I looked at his finger and a bit mortified to see that he had no ring on it. He offered to drop me at my place. I had come in my car actually, but I agreed. There was a bit of traffic and the car radio was on. Then our favourite song back then was playing. Somehow, we got caught in the moment and before I knew it, I was getting carried away to my bed. Again, I gave myself to him.
In the morning, I woke up alone. He must have left very early. My BFF had called me while I was asleep. She came to my house almost immediately. She ranted at my stupidity. How could I have been foolish? Did I think he loved me? Did I read the papers at all? If I did I would have known that he had a serious relationship. She couldn’t believe I didn’t have enough sense to just walk away. She was leaving for her honeymoon and she had called to say bye. She had seen us leave together the day before and coming to my house had confirmed her suspicions. She held me while I cried.
After several weeks I went for my annual medical check up. It was part of the requirements of my work. I rolled my eyes as my doctor flirted with me. He was a cool guy. If I was not having issues, I would have dated him. He told me to me to check back in a week for the results of the tests but that I looked healthy physically. On my way home, I wondered why he (not the doctor) didn’t call me after that night. Rumour had it that he had a serious girlfriend. I knew her but I felt bad because I cheated with him on her. But, I argued, I love him more than she could ever do or imagine. He was mine and I was his. He was my first and I was his first. I winced. Where did that come from? The dude was an ambitious prick. He certainly must have told lots of lies. I didn’t have his personal number. I stopped at his office. He was deliberately avoiding me. His secretary was my old friend and I was able to get his cell phone number. The last thing I needed was a bitchy jealous girlfriend breathing down my neck.
I tried calling him, but my fingers wouldn’t just dial the digits. When I got back to the hospital to pick up the results of my test, I was referred to my doctor. He began by congratulating me. He was happy that I was taking his advice and racing against my biological clock. I was dumbfounded. There was only one possible explanation. I was pregnant. I screamed and yelled and kicked stuff around. I was violently throwing a tantrum. I had to be sedated. I kept on muttering to my self. My BFF was not back from her honeymoon. I was lost and alone.
I called the prick. I wasn’t angry, just a frustrated victim of unrequited love. I met his voicemail. I cleared my throat. First, I told him I was pregnant. Then, I was going to say that he was a loser and didn’t know what he was missing because he was too proud to apologise for abandoning me. I was going to say that for the second time, I had to forfeit my dreams because of him. How was I going to be an SAN before 40 if I had to properly raise this baby? I was going to tell him that if he was a man, he was going to come out straight with me. I was going to tell him that we needed closure to move on, and that closure didn’t come by pretending 2000 didn’t happen.
When I opened my mouth, it worked with my heart against my mind. It sobbed and confessed all what my heart felt. I heard it say, “I love you. I always have. You mean a lot to me. I just can’t let go. Don’t push me away. Please.”