Olive Peters on her blog the Pastor’s Daughter
The quote I opened this post with was the concluding sentence in her post. It resonated with me. I don’t actually remember giving my life to Christ which is funny because that’s a condition precedent to walking with God. What I remember is being a part of fellowship and attending prayer meetings and bible study because I just loved being there. That was way back in secondary school. By the time I got into the university, I remember responding to an altar call to become born again. It was one of those ‘Fresher’s Nights’. It just felt like the right thing to do. It wasn’t a matter of I didn’t want to end up in hell or I made God a promise. I did nothing of the sort. Now, that I think about it, I ask myself, ‘Why did you do all those things?’
Along the line, things went south. My results were not making sense. Things were just falling apart. Really. God just became something at the back of my mind. I prayed because I needed to leave school with a good grade, and I needed this or that. A couple of time He answered in the positive, but more than I can count He answered in the negative. Unlike most people, I realised that for me I tended to pull away from God when I was in a difficult situation. I had heard people give testimonies of times that they had promised God that if He did this and that, they will serve him with all they had. So, I rededicated my life and started working for God. I needed to graduate with a particular grade. At least I thought I did. But it didn’t turn out that way. In retrospect, I realise that God wasn’t looking for me to work, He was calling me to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with him. He was calling me to love Him and bask in His love for me. He was calling me to Him. And I am so glad that this year, I found myself in a place where I couldn’t help but fall in love. It’s not been easy, even now as I write this, I know that I have not been the best of lovers. But His grace is sufficient for me.
Even when I went off track, because I am naturally Miss goody two shoes, I couldn’t reach out to my friends because it seemed like I was doing the right thing at all times. But I was dying slowly, looking for God in my conscience. It felt right. God had to be pleased. But God is not my conscience. And being morally upright isn’t being a Christian. The book of Romans explains it best, really. We are justified as Christians because we have faith. And so there I was totally missing the point, and my friends and people around me were there putting me on a pedestal.
One particular event got to me. My very very close friend – we were like sisters- went for a party. I don’t really know the details, but things were really wild, her drink was ‘over spiked’ and after making one or two scenes, she passed out. I remember asking her for the details of the party, she just told me it was really nice. Stories of what happened at the party came in bits and passes, but it was getting diluted. A mutual friend then came and told me what really happened, based on what my close friend told her. I was shocked. I remembered her response when I asked her. And the first thing that came to my mind was, ‘Did she think I was going to condemn her or judge her?’ It hurt me deeply that I couldn’t be there for my friend – whatever the reason was.
I have come a long way since then. I try so hard not to judge people or jump into conclusions – it’s not easy. Some people even push you into the conclusions. For me, people hold Christians to a higher standard for reasons best known to them. It doesn’t mean we should walk around with a God complex. What does it mean, then? Honestly, I have no idea. Yet. When I do, I will definitely put up a post about it.